Mother's guilt.

It happens. Often. In the strangest of circumstances.

Tonight I picked Miss 5 up from school. She needed help with her seatbelt. That was fine. And was clingy. Also fine. It happens.

She ate dinner, no problems, all good.

When I went to get her t-shirt off she screamed. Like instant, blood-curdling scream.

And it was 6.45pm.

Which meant taking all three kids, nearing bedtime, to a hospital where I knew the wait would be in the vicinity of three hours. Because that kind of scream usually means an x-ray is required.

And so I checked it was really sore and I hadn't knocked something.

And I went back and forth between thinking we should go and we shouldn't, until finally I thought we just had to.

I gave her a dose of Nurofen before we went because I didn't want her to be in pain. Idiot. Seriously. Idiot. Why the hell would I mask pain when she is going to go and see a doctor to ask where the pain was??

And that's where all hell broke loose. Because we got to the hospital. And the nurse looked at her and all of a sudden movement she didn't have at home she had. And the pain was mild rather than intense.

And so we waited.

And waited.

And another nurse saw her and started moving her arm around and Miss 5 said it didn't hurt. At all. And it was moving. And there was no tenderness. And no guarding. And no swelling. And no heat.

And I felt like a complete and utter tool. Because I thought that they would be looking at me thinking what an over-reacting silly mother I was.

And so I asked Miss 5 how she felt and if she wanted to just go home and see how it was in the morning, and she said yes.

So we went and saw them and told them that rather than wait hours longer to see the doctor we would go home and see how she felt in the morning.

And so then I felt guilty for dragging all the kids into the hospital when I didn't need to.

And so when we got home I was undressing her and she screamed. Like a blood-curdling scream.

And so I nearly cried, because we were there. We were AT the hospital. Had she just said she still hurt I would have sucked it up and stayed.

But she didn't.

And now we are here. Having wasted hours at the hospital to get no result. And we still have no answers.

And I feel hideously guilty for not having waited at the hospital longer.

And I have no wine.

And I just want to cry.

Not all days are good. I'd chuck this day in that basket.