My teeth hurt.

And no. Don't tell me to go to the dentist.

My teeth hurt BECAUSE I went to the dentist.

See many decades ago they discovered this thing called amalgam. Amazing stuff. Whack it in teeth and it would last forever.

What they didn't envisage was that whilst the amalgam would still go strong, the tooth couldn't really take the amalgam for 30 odd years, and said tooth would crack.

So I spent well over an hour today having three, yes THREE, amalgam fillings removed and replaced with whatever the hell they use these days.

And if they find out down the track that THAT cracks your teeth, well, do you know what? They can just rip them out and be done with. Because I am not a fan of the dentist. I don't know many people who are.

Still.

It has been a busy week. Lots on. I do usually like busy. But busy work busy is good. Busy running around busy is slightly less good because a) it uses petrol, b) it uses brainpower to get the logistics on track and c) it is just plain exhausting.

I do sometimes feel like a broken record.

I do often feel exhausted.

And today I decided I have had enough of noise. I have just had enough.

So, we sat down, the four of us. It was quiet.

"I have made a decision" I said.

"I'm not going to yell anymore."

Smiles.

"I'm going to speak quietly. And if you don't hear what I am saying to you, then the consequences are a loss of toy."

Smiles gone.

"Because when I speak to you, I need you to pay attention. I need you to listen. I can't do everything myself. I need your help."

Blank. Stares.

"So what do you think? Should we try it?"

And three bodies flung themselves at me and hugged me.

So I'll take that as a yes.

I'm exhausted of late. Just. Exhausted.

I can't imagine why. I mean, it's 11.11pm and I am up. But you know why I'm up. And I am up for that reason again tonight.

But I think I might just have to suck it up and get woken. Because I'm 40 now. Getting on a bit. And I need some bloody sleep!!!!

Miss 5 cried this morning. Not as I dropped her off. No. She waited a good 2 minutes. I was outside, leaning into someone's car window, the mum of one of Miss 5's little friends at school, when the teacher came out to ask if I was Miss 5's mum, which, of course, I was, and readily admitted to.

"She's a bit upset. You'll probably hear her when you get in the door."

Great.

And yes. She was a bit upset. And yes, I did hear her.

Why was she upset? Because she wants me. And doesn't want to ever let me go. And I felt. Like. Crap.

10 minutes I sat with her. She was almost inconsolable. I kept telling her how much I loved her and that I was always here and she just had to go to school, but I was dying inside.

When I finally left her at her classroom with her teacher, and she still wasn't happy, she was still crying, I walked away at the instruction of one of the other teachers "Just go!"

And I cried.

And I got around the corner and that teacher asked if I was ok and I said I wasn't. Because I wasn't.

Because it was my fault. It was my fault that Miss 5 had got upset. Because that morning all the kids were being right proper little buggers and I am just tired. I just need a break. And I told them. I stupidly told them that I thought they should go spend a few days somewhere else so I could have a break.

Who does that? Who???

Whilst it is true that I do, I just should not have said it to them.

We just don't realise how much our words can get into the minds of our babies.

I'm kicking myself. I'm punching myself. I am truly beating myself up.

The teacher who was with me told me not to. She admitted to having said the same, and she has a husband, and support.

We all need a break. We all need support.

We all need to realise that we are only human. Our lives are not television shows. Things don't go smoothly. And feelings get hurt, inadvertently, fairly regularly, for many different reasons.

It doesn't make us any worse parents. But beating ourselves up isn't going to make us any better parents either.

Today was a bad day. It was actually a really bad day.

But the morning drop off in my mind topped the bad charts.

You know I just hate seeing my kids sad. That's all. I know that life is full of heaps of emotions. And that without the bad times the good ones don't seem quite as good.

But I kid you not. If I could save my babies from having to experience sadness and feelings that I have experienced in my life I would do so in a heartbeat.

I want them to experience a wide range of emotions, but I want them to not suffer at the hands of said emotions.

Sadness can be felt at the loss of a treasured possession, rather than the loss of a treasured friend.

This week has seen two dear friends depart this world. One was unsurprising due to a long illness, the other was not anticipated, and quite shocking.

I don't want my babies to experience these harsh realities of life for a long time to come. But I know they will. Because that is the way life works.

I want to protect them. I want to tell them that everything will be ok. I want to hold them tight and just fill them with love.

Sometimes life just isn't fair.

This past week counts in that.

That is all.