"It's ruined!!!!"

The words of a 3 year old upon noticing that his Thomas the Tank Engine advertisement sheet from a Christmas present was ripped.

Ruined.

"It's ruined mum. It's ripped. It's…. ruined….."

Is it completely awful that I had to cover a smile? It was just so completely adorable to hear a 3 year old use the word "ruined" in correct context.

He has a few of them. Little sayings that, whilst not incorrect, are just odd coming from a 3 year old.

Tonight I washed everyone's hair in the bath.

Master 3, sitting there whilst I washed his hair, looked at me and said "I'm doing a fabulous job aren't I mum?"

Yes, yes he was. And wow at the same time.

I adore him. I adore his vocabulary. I adore the way he speaks. I adore the fact that he has no trouble expressing himself. I slightly less adore the fact that he opts to do this every waking moment he has.

Tonight is a little bit of a weird one for me. We had a good, yet slothenly, day. We did some sticker mosaics, we watched some tv.

I cooked up a stew comprised of everything that was in the fridge. And some meat from the freezer.

And it looked like vomit. It really really looked like vomit. And all credit to the kids, they still ate it. Don't get me wrong, it still tasted nice, just looked horrid. Really horrid. As in OMG seriously I am never ever ever going to do that to food again because it just looks like vomit. Tasty vomit. But ew. Even saying that. Or typing it.

Anyway. I digress. I did some cooking. Because I plan to clean the fridge this week.

Why?

Because. Because of the reason that today was an odd day.

Tonight is the last night I will spend with my babies until the 27th. Yes. I know. I am almost beside myself as well.

And no, it was not an off the cuff thing. It was more a "skiting about the amount of leave owing and then having it suggested that perhaps some of that leave should be spent with your children" kind of thing.

And all credit where credit is due, the unsubtle hint was taken. So I am taking that as an immense positive.

And whilst I know the kids will have a truly fabulous time, I have been on the verge of tears for hours.

I am looking forward to having a break. I need it. I really really need it. It has been a hell of a few years.

But I will miss them so so terribly. I want to enjoy the time I have. I will work for a small portion of it, and then I will have time. To clean. To cull toys and clothes. And to think. And I just know that I will miss them terribly. My beautiful little babies.

Isn't it funny? As parents we do everything in our power to give our kids everything they need, and a lot of what they want. And we do so without expecting anything in return. But in return we get hugs, kisses, stories of dreams about fairies and wondrous journeys, laughter and hopes and dreams and wonderment at everything.

And now I am wondering just how I will cope for such a long time without my babies beside me. They are my world. My everything.

I have been excited about this upcoming time. And now I have those pesky tears doing that whole cheek streaming thing again. Because I know that after a few days I will roam through the house, thinking how quiet it is, missing the rabble and noise. Missing the laughter. Missing even the screams of "Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum".

But then maybe it is a blessing in disguise. Maybe it is an opportunity for me to realise that I am someone other than a mother, even though that, in my mind and life, is my prime purpose in this life. To raise my beautiful little ones. Everything else is, seemingly, incidental.

But I guess it isn't. Because I am me too. And I haven't really had a chance to be me for a very long time.

So I think I'll try to focus on that. I will try to give me the me time that this opportunity is allowing. I'm not quite sure how I will do that. But I will.

And I will try not to cry too much.

One thing's for sure though.

I plan on cooking myself a meal, sitting down, and eating it. All. No sharing. Because I can.

What are the odds I let my dog in for the week….. just cos I can…..

Before you have kids nobody tells you. Nobody tells you just how much they become a part of you. And that much as it will be hard, it is harder to face the thought of time without them.

And that is where I am. Right now.

I'll talk to you in a day or two with an update.

For now, I'm emo. In a completely massive way. Because tomorrow my babies are going. For 8 sleeps. 8 nights without me. I worry Miss 4 won't cope. She is in with me 5 out of every 7 nights. I worry about the sleepwalking. I worry about everything.

I just worry.

I just want my babies. For always. I don't think I like sharing. But know I have to. And I want to because I know they need that too.

This is just. So. Hard. All of it.

I will live, I know. I'll cope too.

I will also count down the nights till my babies come home.